The Lord God is THE
perfect father, so our own parenting should be modeled upon Him.
Happily, the Lord
gives us much counsel within the Bible on how to raise our children His way,
and within this context, there is an emphasis on the over-arching importance of
teaching wisdom and self-control. The thorough imparting of these
qualities is so vital, it is even included among the qualifications necessary
to become an elder in the church; thus indicating that the effective discipline
of our children may be viewed among God’s highest standards for those who
represent Him to the world.
The discipline the
Lord desires is intended for both the training and the protection of a child. It
encourages children to follow their parent's leadership and to taste the wisdom
in maturity. Because parents are the primary protection God has provided for
the young, a lack of Biblical discipline means danger for children and no
discipline signifies a parent’s abdication of the role of protector.
Parental discipline
is also training for a child's future walk with God. If a child does not learn
to respond obediently to a parent physically present before him, how will he
learn to obey the invisible Lord?
God desires parents
to provide children with training in self-control through the process of
correction. Self-control is an immensely important life-tool because it equips
a child with the patience and endurance to gain their life objectives. On a
more subtle level, it also equips a child with the ability to attend carefully
to what is spoken to him, so it enables learning.
The Word establishes
that God the Father disciplines His own children because of His tremendous love
for them. Conversely, children often suspect that a parent who does not correct
them, does not love them enough to make the effort. Most mothers strongly
desire their children's love and approval; yet the act of discipline frequently
causes conflict between parent and child because of the negative emotions that
arise when the child’s will has been challenged. Nevertheless, a mother must be
willing to love her child greatly enough to endure their anger as she does the
right thing for them through administering correction.
As a cautionary tale
on the subject, the Word offers us the sad results reaped by David and Eli
because they failed to correct their children. If we, too, fail to discipline
our children in obedience to God's will, He will discipline us as He did them. This is not to say that forgiveness will not
follow abundantly for us, or that our lack of obedience will thwart God’s will
for our children, but there will most certainly be consequences - the least of
which is a chaotic household. And more the worse for us, because we did not
heed the Lord when He took pains to tell us what we need to do to avoid those
consequences, both for ourselves and our children.
On another level,
if, as believers, we choose to overlook the form of child discipline mandated
in scripture and elect to follow the opinions of the world or our own personal
experience, what does this say about our faith in God's wisdom and our
understanding of the divine inspiration of the Word?
So, how does God teach us to discipline our
children?
1. You will not find
instruction to anyone other than a child's own parents to provide the
discipline.
2. It is to be done
for rebellious disobedience alone - not for accidents, silliness, carelessness,
or other behaviors typical to childhood. Before correcting, be absolutely sure
that your child chose to rebel, and thus, disobeyed.
3. The current
generation is surprised that the Lord is in favor of corporeal discipline, yet
the use of a rod on the backside is specifically mentioned in the Word numerous
times.
Please understand
that God has clearly stated His hatred of mankind’s violence; therefore, we can
know that physical discipline is to be done with restraint and reason. Any
corporeal correction can go so wrong when a parent is reacting out of anger or
frustration. A spanking on the backside is not
intended as punishment; it is meant for training. To avoid inappropriate correction,
it is best to have a plan prepared in
advance and to stick to it
religiously. There is no room for parental emotions such as anger or
frustration in Biblically based discipline – only love for your child. Happily
for us and our children, someone wise gave us such a plan.
My older brother,
Tom, a Dallas Seminary graduate, raised four wonderful children. My husband and
I marveled at the niceness of his teenagers, so when our firstborn was a baby,
we asked my him, “How did you do that?” Tom told us that he and his wife had
spanked to correct their children as they were growing-up and gave us some
Bible-based guidelines for the practice. We followed his advice with our own
sons, and I would like to share his good counsel with you:
1. Begin when you
know your child is old enough to clearly understand what you are saying to
them. This would be sometime in the toddler years.
2. Ask the child if
he knows why he is being corrected; then tell him the reason in simple words,
such as, “I told you not to go into the street, but you didn’t obey me. You
went into the street, so now I need to correct you.”
3. NEVER use your
hand. The Word calls for a “rod,” so my brother recommended using a
medium-weight wooden spoon. (Actually, some wooden spoons are too light and
some are too heavy, so I used to surreptitiously try them out on myself first
before I bought one. (So-o-o embarrassing if you get caught doing
the test on yourself in some lonely store aisle! ;)
4. Strike only the
fatty part of the bottom. NEVER, EVER strike the highly personal face or the
delicate and easily injured hands.
5. Administer only three swats,
“One to sign-on, one to deliver the message, and one to sign off.” Commit to
never deviating from this rule to prevent overdoing the correction.
6. Comfort your
child with a loving hug after the discipline, and tell them something like, “I
know you’ll do what I say next time. You’re a good learner, and you know how
much I love you and want good for you.”
7. Treat these
occasions of correction as if they are "just business" because that's
all they should be. Discipling your child is in no way meant to be an outlet
for your mood or emotions. If the child does X (an act of disobedience), then Y
(discipline) will always happen. Business has been handled, any debt of offense
paid, and training administered, so immediately go forward treating your child
with restored pleasantness and trust.
8. Never, ever, “count” while waiting for your child's
compliance in something you have asked. Only "tools" count, and
children know it. Mean what you say and require prompt obedience.
9. Stop the spanking
when your child has grown old enough that they would rather be spanked than
scolded. While this usually occurs around age 10, it can vary.
Among the few things
I would add to the wise leadership my brother passed onto us, is the need for
consistency in correction. Repetition and certainty are needed in any form of
training. Since the primary task of childhood is to explore, test, and develop
theories of reality in a fallen world full of unpredictable consequences, consistency
provides children with a welcome comfort and safety within which they can gain
the experiences they need to mature.
SCRIPTURE REFERENCES:
General:
Proverbs 3:11 - My son, do not
despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent His rebuke,
Proverbs 5:12 - You will say,
"How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction!
Proverbs 5:23 - He will die
for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.
Proverbs 6:23 - For these
commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of
discipline are the way to life.
Proverbs 10:13 - Wisdom is
found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks
judgment.
Proverbs 10:17 - He who heeds
discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others
astray.
Proverbs 12:1 - Whoever loves
discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.
Proverbs 13:18 - He who ignores
discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored.
Proverbs 13:24 - He who spares
the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Proverbs 14:3 - A fool's talk
brings a rod to his back, but the lips of the wise protect them.
Proverbs 15:5 - A fool spurns
his father's discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.
Proverbs 15:10 - Stern
discipline awaits him who leaves the path; he who hates correction will die.
Proverbs 15:32 - He who ignores
discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.
Proverbs 19:18 - Discipline
your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
Proverbs 22:15 - Folly is bound
up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from
him.
Proverbs 23:13-14 - Do not
withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not
die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.
Proverbs 23:23 - Buy the truth
and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding.
Proverbs 29:15 - The rod of
correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Psalm 89:32 - I will punish
their sin with the rod, their iniquity with flogging
Psalm 94:12 - Blessed is the
man You discipline, O Lord, the man You teach from your law;
Psalm 23:4 - Even though I
walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You
are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Job 5:17 - Blessed is the
man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.
Hebrews 12:6-8 . . .because
the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a
son. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son
is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone
undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
Hebrews 12:9 - Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined
us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father
of our spirits and live!
Elder qualifications
relating to parental discipline:
I Tim. 3:4 - He must manage
his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.
Titus 1:6 - An elder must
be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are
not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.
Other related
scripture:
1 Samuel 3:13,14 - For I told him
that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his
sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them. Therefore, I
swore to the house of Eli, 'The guilt of Eli's house will never be atoned for
by sacrifice or offering.' "
1 Kings 1:6 - His father had
never interfered with him by asking, "Why do you behave as you do?"
He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.
1 Samuel 15:23a - For rebellion
is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.
