“This
is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless
let . . . the wife see that she
reverence her husband.” Ephesians 5:32-33
The Lord
desires to demonstrate His relationship to the Church through the medium of
Christian marriage, intending it to be a working scale model for all heaven and
earth to observe. Paul calls this a “great mystery,” but illumines the concept
further when the Holy Spirit leads him to add, “let the wife see that she reverence
her husband.”
Thus, a wife who shows respect and esteem for her husband will be exhibiting
the final hallmark of one who desires to model a testimony of truth concerning the
Church and the Lord Jesus.
In the
context of the marriage analogy, this imperative does not appear to pivot upon
the husband’s worthiness, but upon the honor due the office of husband as it parallels Christ’s relationship to His Bride, the Church. Therefore, a wife’s
attitude and acts of respect for her husband are to be purposeful acts of her
will that are not based upon her feelings for him or the performance of his
role. In actuality, She is reverencing the Lord by obeying His command and,
thus, making the respect shown to her husband an act of worship offered to God.
Setting
the spiritual dimension aside for a moment, notice that the Lord is also
offering some practical counsel to wives. Feelings of being undervalued and
disrespected are a significant reason many men seek sex outside their marriage
through extra-marital affairs, etc.* In a recent article published in Britain,
one researcher had this to say about these matters: “Many men are not
finding acceptance in their conventional monogamous relationships, and so
these men become emotionally unconnected to their unsuspecting spouse and
children. They seek a temporary high, a connection and an escape from reality
in Gentlemen's Clubs, etc., or serial affairs.”*
In short,
many husbands don’t feel respected (reverenced) at home, so they buy a
substitute woman who is welcoming, undemanding, and accepting. (It is also not
unusual for this same acceptance to be found for free among those women
husbands encounter through the work place.) Christian women should not be surprised
by these revelations when God, knowing the strong need men have to feel valued,
has shown wives the remedy: “let the wife see that she reverence her husband.” Eph. 5:32.
So, if
you truly want to speak love to your husband in a language that he can
understand, speak it to him through respect. He will be much more likely to
handle temptation from a place of strength. Your respect can serve much like a vaccination in
warding-off the vulnerability that accompanies a man who does not feel valued.
When you reverence your husband - - that is,
express to him deep respect and honor - - the “reap what you sow” principle
will also activate in your favor, and over time, your husband will respond in kind.
The measure of how long this turnaround takes will be in proportion to amount
bitterness that you have sown into your marriage.
Taken
together, the manner in which a wife talks to and about her husband, her
demeanor toward him, and the manner in which she treats him will form a
complete expression of her esteem (or lack thereof). Thus, a woman will
demonstrate her attitude toward her husband through her words, her actions, and
her body language.
Body
Language
While
each of these three means testify to the state of the heart (i.e. attitude),
body language speaks much louder than the other two. Because it is largely involuntary,
body language is often more truthful than the spoken word. It has been observed
that as much as 80% of what we understand in any given conversation is read
through the body, not the spoken word. Since body language will infallibly
betray the attitude of her heart, it is singularly important for a wife to call
upon God to help her cultivate a thankful, grateful, and humble heart. There is
no other solution for altering body language than a changed heart. Pray that
the Lord will give you a heart of mercy and forgiveness for your husband, so that your total being will convey the respect the Lord desires a wife to offer her
husband.
Spoken
Word:
Unless one
partner is a sociopath of some sort, it takes two to create a bad marriage. In her book, Created to be His Help
Meet, writer Debi Pearl states this truth: “Counselors agree that in all
marriage conflicts, both husband and wife share the blame almost equally. A
man’s guilt is usually easy to see, while a woman’s guilt may be less obvious,
but it is just as destructive and just as evil.” She is referring to the
female tendency to sins of the tongue. Every person (and this surely includes husbands) deserves the right to represent themselves to others, so if a reputation is to
be ruined, it should be done by the individual in question - - not through the
surrogacy of their spouse.
Therefore, a wife's refusal to speak ill of her husband to others is one very
compelling way to express honor for him. In Proverbs 31, wherein a woman of virtue is extolled, Father has given His daughters a clear call
to be a wife in whom her husband can trust. This one attribute,
trustworthiness, is the first virtue mentioned by God in the passage. It is foremost in making her “more valuable than rubies” to
her husband, and it begins with a wife to whom her husband can entrust his
reputation. Perhaps the place this is most important is in the eyes of your
children.
Sustaining your husband’s reputation by curbing any criticism before the children reveals a
wisdom more rare and precious than gold. The Lord will praise the wife who does
this. After children mature beyond the more nurture-needing stages of childhood
that primarily involve a mother’s care, they begin to need the type of
leadership and assistance that a father can bring. A wise mother has protected
her husband’s reputation so the children will be open to receiving their
father’s insight and direction through the coming stages of their lives.
In a marriage in which the father is the “bad actor,” it is equally important to consider that when the children are old enough to consider the claims of Christ,
their mother’s gracious attitudes, words, and behavior will be hugely
influential in comparison with that of their father’s. In maturity, those children will be able to see clearly what has gone down between their
parents. Mom’s Lord will smell sweet to them, but Dad’s gods will repel.
Finally,
the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 is one who speaks with a civil tongue: “She
opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness,” Proverbs 31:26. Just to paraphrase this for you,
Father is telling His daughters, “DON’T BE A SCOLD.” Conflicts that arise over
questioning your husband’s judgment, or a failure to submit to his leadership,
are huge setbacks. These events are not irreparable, but one flare of anger or
one despising word will be immensely destructive to your efforts to improve
your relationship and to align your marriage with a true reflection of Christ
and His Bride.
Conclusion:
The
Puritans called marriage “the little church within the church.” In marriage,
every day you love and every day you forgive. It is an ongoing sacrament - love and forgiveness. If, as a
wife, you follow the course of respect for your husband to which the Lord has
called you, you will truly be a woman who is reverencing God through your obedient
actions. Don’t grow weary of doing well, and keep building your “little church”
with acts of kindness, forgiveness and respect. The Lord God will bless you for
your faithfulness to Him.
* I’m sure my readers understand my vague references in this paragraph. It was necessary for me to remove certain terminology and phrases to avoid being winnowed-out by filters
and to prevent attracting comment from those searching specifically for those
words for “other” reasons.
